Emotional Regulation: Rejection Modes

One of the reasons athletes are successful with women is they are trained to take action (approach) and they are resilient after failure. They are able to shake off a failure as being in the past and get ready for the next point, down, match, game, race, etc.

I don’t have any major emotional response to rejection on the street. The biggest realization was that most of the time it isn’t me. This has been programmed into me after about 1500 approaches.

And I do get approach anxiety on occasion still, but I don’t consider it a problem. It goes away after I see an inspiring enough woman to approach, and once the first approach is out of the way, it’s much easier.

One of the reasons for writing this post is how much noise there is on Anonymous Twitter about approach anxiety – the guys who constantly tweet some platitude about approaching obviously don’t approach enough.


I take notes in a What’sApp chat with Nash at DaysOfGame.com to keep track of how many approaches I do in a day and make notes of anything unusual. He reads them maybe once or twice a week and makes a few comments here and there, but more importantly it is like having a virtual wing – I get a ping of dopamine as a reward when I approach, and I also have been keeping some stats since I started daygaming every day in New York City (which I will share in a future post).

Rejection Mode Checklist (Blowouts)

I cataloged a number of types of blowouts or rejections I have received. It may seem obvious, but this post is for the people who don’t approach enough

  1. Ignore blowout – doesn’t even look at you
  2. Ignore blowout – looks at you without smiling
  3. Ignore blowout – looks at you and smiles but does not stop
  4. Startle – runs away
  5. Hears your compliment. “Not interested” without stopping (might slow down)
  6. Hears your compliment. “Thank you!” without stopping (might slow down)
  7. Stops, listens to your compliment I’m late for something/in a rush/meeting a friend/boyfriend, starts moving
  8. Stops, listens to your compliment I’m married/bf/relationship, starts moving again
  9. Stops, but asks what you are selling, or that you’re the 3rd guy to approach, etc. Usually she met a charity mugger or a string of weak daygamers, this is common around union square
  10. Tells you off. Rare, I’ve had this happen only twice. I usually explain “I just thought you looked nice” and both times the girl apologized afterward and said something like “I have a boyfriend anyway.”

Reasons you get these reactions

  1. She is genuinely happy in her relationship and life (rare but beautiful when you see it)
  2. She is in a genuine rush
  3. She isn’t in the mood to talk
  4. Doesn’t want to explain her relationship situation
  5. Doesn’t find you attractive (not her type)
  6. Doesn’t like your vibe (you hesitated for an instant and that was all it took for her to decide you were weak)
  7. Mistakes you for homeless or charity mugger (review your grooming and fashion choices)
  8. You stopped her at a street corner and she feels obligated to cross the street when the light changes or get on the subway or elevator or some other social pressure

“Attraction is not a choice.”

Mystery

There is a chance she was not attracted to you, which would be a true rejection. But most of the other reasons are not related to that. So don’t take rejection personally – it’s not really rejection. Some girls will be attracted to you (especially if you are in good physical condition and dress well) and it will surprise you. It still surprises me (and it shouldn’t).

Positive Reaction Checklist

  1. The light up. Sometimes a girl lights up as soon as you stop her. She feels noticed. Sometimes even if she is trying to ignore you, she still lights up and smiles. I love that.
  2. The light up after the compliment. She wasn’t expecting it and it made her day.
  3. The light up after she pushes you away and you don’t react. This usually happens after an “I have a boyfriend” and I respond with “That’s ok, you can still be interesting, even if you have a boyfriend” This showing of outcome independence somehow causes her to light up, she recognizes your approach as a gift. I like this. It is good for my vibe. Also, when you re-open her in a week or a year, she remembers this.
  4. The hug. Sometimes girls are so excited by the approach that they want to give you a hug. It’s unusual, but it does happen. By extension a kiss on the cheek is not unheard of – I can recall one.
  5. The megatext. After you get a lead (phone number or instagram or whatever), they initiate with a long message about how excited they were to meet you. They are feeling the magic of the world.
  6. The “you look nice too” compliment or “you’re a cool guy” compliment. It’s rare, but I appreciate the validation. I say “thank you” the first time and “I know” if they repeat it.
  7. Thank you for stopping me, it made my day and other forms of “thank you” can be nice if they seem genuine, but some girls will utter an obscene number of thank you’s which indicates something less genuine or that she is uncomfortable or just has no idea what to do. Usually that happens after an early “I have a boyfriend” and my usual lighthearted “That’s ok, run along now” dismissal.
  8. Lead me. I’ve been noticing this recently – her eyes are searching yours for what to do next. She likes your approach, but is unsure what happens now. I’ve messed these up – messed one up yesterday in fact, but in hindsight, any suggestion that could move it forward will do, like going for a number or an instant date.
  9. Giggling. When combined with any of the above, it is intoxicating and super good for the vibe.
  10. In 2-sets, the girls are looking at each other and smiling, girl coding to each other that “this guy is fun, right?”

Indicators of Interest (IOI) on the Street

IOIs in New York just mean you looked interesting or she was curious about you. Maybe she does find you attractive, or she’s merely curious about you, but it could also be that you look like someone she knows, or she liked your shoes or some fashion accessory you were wearing (insert peacock emoji here). It could also be that she has a boyfriend, maybe she’s bored, or maybe she was in an emotional mood to daydream about you. You have no idea, and you’re not entitled to anything, but you can go find out by talking to her.

Even if you get an IOI, you are not guaranteed a positive reaction, anything can happen. “Why did she look at me if she as a boyfriend?” Doesn’t matter – the same reason she didn’t look at you because she was single. Go talk to her whether she looked at you or not. Maybe she looked at you and you didn’t see it.

I usually get a lead (phone number or instagram or facebook) about 10% of the time. That’s one approach in 10. I’m sure I could pad my statistics if I only approached girls who gave me IOIs, but I don’t care about padding the numbers (and I also don’t trust myself to catch all the IOIs I get). I care about getting what I want, which means approaching girls I find attractive or interesting looking whether or not I noticed them looking at me. When they light up, it’s a gift I usually get for giving the gift of my approach. I love that, it’s good for my vibe.


3 Replies to “Emotional Regulation: Rejection Modes”

  1. Great set of checklists.

    IOIs have always thrown me off a bit. Sometimes girls who give a strong IOI are positive on the approach but often they’re not when you open them. Have to remind myself you never really know, and so should approach any girl who turns my head

  2. > but more importantly it is like having a virtual wing

    This can be really helpful.

    I lean on Twitter sometimes when I am out on my own. Checking in someplace very secure/familiar helps me stay “in my frame” when I’m out without a wing.

    When I am super on, the girls are the only thing that interests me. But when I am warming up, “online” is a tether to a friendly place.

    > I cataloged a number of types of blowouts or rejections I have received.

    Here are some of the notes I wrote about blowouts from one trip to Japan.

    “1. Dead sexy. Full blowout.
    7. Very fine girl, gentle blowout.
    17. Short hair, great lips, proper blowout
    11. Stopped, wasn’t into it, polite blowout
    16. Blowout, juicebox
    7. Teenage midget, cold blowout
    19. Blueberry girl, super harsh blowout
    21. Smile, blowout
    12. Harsh blowout
    18. Full blowout”
    — From my notes, various days

    Every flavor of blowout. All you can eat blowouts. Two-for-one blowouts for gaijin.

    > There is a chance she was not attracted to you, 

    And here ^ is where I would kick back a little bit. Not only is there a “chance”– there is a very high likelihood.

    We don’t rub this point in the faces of new guys, as it makes all the effort to approach seem pointless much of tht time. But the truth is, most girls may be able to identify some quality on a given man that is attractive… But to find a man deeply attractive… Like “sharing bodily fluids” attractive… That is rare. Most of the time, a random girl won’t want that from a man.

    At first, to assume that “she is not rejecting you, she doesn’t even know you” is valid strategy. A kind of psychological training wheels.

    As you get deeper into this, it is more real (in my view) to assume most girls won’t be romantically/sexually attracted no matter how smooth your game is (=”you’re not her type”) and that that is very okay… That doesn’t have to ding your ego and you might enjoy the minute or two with the girl anyway. And she might enjoy it (quite a bit) as well.

    Moreover, it is not that many of the girls that I approach do not find me attractive. Most probably do not.

    But my focus is on the ones that DO!

    And talking to enough girls (=volume) that I can fill my focus with those girl, and so much so, the rejections are increasingly hard to notice as I have too much collective positive feedback on my mind.

  3. Today I got a high-5 rejection. I told her she looked nice, she didn’t say a word, took a step toward me, gave me a high-5 and kept walking. That was new one…

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