Some things don’t translate well over electronic communication. I recently learned a lesson in that.
I have a “possible marriage list” of a few girls I still keep in contact with, despite living in different countries. I met them in New York City, and we had a whirlwind romance and they had to return to their native countries.
One of them, with whom I have been talking to for 2 years (I met and closed her about 2 years ago in NYC, and visited her about a year ago) recently told me she was in a new relationship. It started after the Covid-19 lockdowns, so I want to blame a lockdown nesting effect, but who knows if that’s real, and that is not important anyway. I withdrew and ignored her after learning about her new relationship, thanked her for telling me, not being too worried about it, and also wanting to give her a chance to sort it out herself.
Over the next few weeks, she got upset that I was ignoring her, even though she was like “It’s ok if you don’t want to talk anymore, I will understand.” but she wasn’t actually ok with it. I tried Nash’s recommended approach of “we’re lovers, we’re good, we’ll connect again if we are in the same city” and sort of leave it open as the smooth distance lovers ships passing in the night kind of thing.
Unfortunately, that’s a great theoretical way to do things, but reality is messy. She’s not as mature as I had hoped. She took it poorly. I had been very clear and was enforcing my boundaries and somehow she felt entitled to friendzone me and threw a tantrum when I stood fast. It came across to me as very tone deaf, and just showed me that she wasn’t that mature. Internally I lost a lot of respect for her. I explained it in more depth, which I didn’t really want to do – here I was giving into the feminine chaos of a girl I was no longer dating. I told her we were close and had a good trust between us and could talk about anything, but I just didn’t want to talk to her right now. She says “I feel like I’m losing you, and it makes me sad.” “That’s because you are.” I still don’t think she gets that it’s kind of weird to have a boyfriend and then try and friendzone an ex that you are super close with. Maybe I have stronger boundaries than her boyfriend, and who knows what her boundaries are. I hope he sets some for her…
This is why we can’t have nice things. I’ll be fine, I really just wanted to know where I stood with her and invest my time accordingly, and now I know that it has run its course and its time to cross her off the list (for now and probably forever) and move on.
I learned something valuable from this experience. Since Daygame has stopped for a while due to the Coronavirus, my rate of learning has slowed down, so I’ll take the learning where I can get it.
In a conversation I had with Nash recently he said that there are “3 qualities we offer lovers”
- attention (high quality attention, letting her “be seen”)
- affection (touch, hugging, etc.)
- sex (self-explanatory)
It is possible and not entirely uncommon that boyfriends and husbands can offer a whopping 0 of those 3.
There is also a relationship tool circulating out there called the 5 love languages. The 5 love languages are:
- Physical Touch (Sex, hugs, kissing, hand holding, kino escalation in pickup lingo)
- Quality Time (spending time together, going on dates, pillow talk)
- Words of Affirmation (verbalizing that you care, verbal validation, noticing them)
- Acts of Service (taking care of them when they are sick, taking out the trash because they hate it and you don’t mind, fixing her car/computer/furniture)
- Gifts (self-explanatory)
People may express love and receive love with different languages, and some are usually stronger than others. There’s a book if you really want to learn in depth about these. It’s a damn tragedy that nobody reads anymore, but I don’t feel like elaborating. Read a book, you’re probably locked down anyway.
If one were to attempt to translate Nash’s 3 qualities mentioned above into love languages, you’re probably looking at something like quality time and physical touch with a sprinkle of affirmation.
Another major point that was burned into my memory from that conversation was that “people try and compensate for not being there by using text messages.”
As I was thinking about what Nash said, and how things got to be this way with this girl, some dots were connected. I had an epiphany, which is as follows:
Love Languages translate VERY poorly over text
I had gotten close to this girl and when we were in the same city, it was a foregone conclusion that there would be sexy time. That was great. But at some point in the last year, I gave her too much “love” over text and it backfired – even worse, she felt entitled to it.
She and I had pretty good love language communications in person, but after I left her the last time, we communicated a LOT over text. In retrospect it was too much.
As mentioned above, Nash said he as seen situations where people try and compensate for not being there in person, by doing love languages over text, and I think if I were to reflect back upon the past year with this girl, I probably fell into that trap.
I expanded this thought into the 5 Love languages, as poorly executed over text (Examples are extreme):
- Physical Touch (Sexting, swapping nudes/dick pics) [poor proxy for the real thing, she gets almost full sexual validation, you get a photo or some dirty talk at best]
- Quality Time (having deep chats, talking about things going on in your life, making plans) [easy to attempt to compensate for not being there – I am guilty of THIS one]
- Words of Affirmation (social media validation, liking each others posts, comments, sending thinking of you or missing you texts) [See any female instagram post for examples]
- Acts of service (giving her advice about something, helping her with her english exam/thesis) [I am guilty of THIS one too.]
- Gifts (amazon wish lists, cash apps, buying merchandise from an e-girl, sugar type shit) [See e-girls and their simps online]
I ignore girls on social media mostly, I don’t send dick pics, and I don’t buy girls anything. So words of affirmation, physical touch and gifts are not much of a danger for me over text. But I did fall into the trap of trying to compensate for the distance with quality time and acts of service. I have talked to girls for hours on the phone in another country. I have also been that guy that helps the exotic foreign beauty I kissed with her 10 page paper and corrects a few english mistakes. Oops.
I don’t do this anymore, but I did. I’m realizing that the best cadence to keep in contact with these girls on the “marriage list” is to keep them at arms length. Don’t get too close, and let them come to you. By trying too hard to stay in touch and compensate for the distance with the only medium you have available (text/voice/whatsapp), the dynamic can skew toward pedestalization (if not in reality, in her mind), and if they are immature, like my recent experience, they can react poorly to your withdrawal.
The long burn game with the other girl on my possible marriage list is flowing more naturally. This was a perfect textbook daygame seduction, and that energy has continued. And our cadence of contact is maybe about once every 4-8 weeks we have a burst of conversation, usually sparked by a holiday or an instagram story or something like that.
The other important takeaway is to focus on the girls in the here and now (which due to lockdown and being unable to approach has dropped off precipitously) and I’m actually backing off from this idea of a marriage list. I think its still there in the back of my mind, but demoting the importance I had previously given it is probably healthier and will improve how I manage my long burn communication with girls. Focus on the here and now and make magic with that, rather than try and maintain the magic over text.
Also, I didn’t think about it until I saw the posting date, but it’s been a year since I started this blog. Hmm.